Orange: the only juice for which manufacturers can claim, “No no, we meant the COLOUR.” • Bemused by people who can afford a computer and broadband but email me because they’ve run out of prepay minutes on their phone. • If Beck and Palin had announced their 2012 Presidential candidacy on 9/11, then the terrorists would have won. Also, the Mayans. • On the cover of Handwriting Analysis for Dummies, the title is set in Comic Sans. What is the author trying to hide? • An online review of Decline and Fall describes Evelyn Waugh as “not my favorite post-modern author.” God bless user-created content. • Imagined UC Library suggestion box: “Could the ‘Library is being munted by an earthquake’ announcements be in English and Māori, please.” • My friend’s new kitchen has so much cupboard space it could inconspicuously house a small nocturnal child. • It’s all fun and games until the pale-skinned sunbather realises the swan thinks he is a lady swan. • Even if a student has an amusing name, I really shouldn’t make up nursery rhymes about them. • Force de frappe. Does anyone have a wussier name for its nuclear arsenal than France? Scary as a wet slap. • Why are those folks most clueless about the internet—even self-described technophobes—the ones convinced they can make money off it? Ignorance is seen as a barrier to getting rich from medicine, property investment, or racehorse breeding. But the Web’s fair game, it seems. • My mum, looking for an easy-to-remember phone number, was chuffed to find that one ending in “666” was strangely not taken. Now every time I call her I shall think, “Hail Satan, Mum.” • @adzebill

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