Best pregnancy-t-shirt ever: “We’re hoping for a pony.” • The time management book Eat That Frog was shelved in the Cookery section. • I am now completely sick of “Keep Calm and Carry On” and its even naffer offspring. “Kia Kaha Forever Strong”. We need real #eqnz posters. Like “Keep Shoes by Your Bed”. “Keep Cash as ATMs Fail.” • The Kaikoura public toilets proudly display photos of people tagging them. Because there are cameras pointing into every urinal and stall. I wrote “Refill the soap dispenser please” in my notebook and held it up to the camera. • Anyone cheering for the end of the “ukulele craze” is merely hastening the impending “melodica revival”. Hipster moustaches and melodica orchestras: another nightmarish vision of the future from your humble sibyl. • Why are there so many musicals about Hitler when Mussolini is easier to rhyme? Plus, y’know, the opera thing. Ideal title: “Duke”. This needs to happen. Mussolini / meany / beanie / genie. The songs write themselves. It ends with “O My Esso”, a tear-jerker sung by the gently-swinging hero, before “Ultimo Atto” brings the house down. (Guess who gave the eulogy at Pucchini’s funeral, by the way? Yep.) • Great to see $2.5 million of #eqnz relief money letting the Court Theatre grapple with our shared earthquake trauma by staging a Roger Hall play about folk dancing. • Sometimes it seems the main thing wrong with the world is there’s no band named after Dog Vomit Slime Mould. Its Linnaean name, Mucor septicus, would be a good album title. • Unfortunately, platypus custard isn’t kosher: “Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother’s milk” (Exodus 23:19). • If birds only had opposable thumbs like us, they’d be able to make tools and build complex structures! Oh wait. • Today’s punctuation: the obelus (†), used in my field to indicate which birds in a list are extinct. • Someone outside having a big sweary yell at the world in general. Good to see that vibrant urban culture returning to the central city. • Contrary to popular belief, George Washington did not have a set of wooden teeth. They were hippopotamus ivory. • I learnt Jabberwocky by heart as a child, but didn’t realise that Carroll invented the words chortle and burble. • CERA: Your building’s demolished. Wait, no it’s not. HIM: Yes it is. CERA: No it’s not. HIM: I have photos. CERA: [puts on hold for 2 hours] • The Macarena is playing beside the bouncy dome at Miranda Hot Pools. “Number 83: two cheeseburgers”, bleats the PA. • @adzebill

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