Did you ever wish writing were more like programming a computer? If so, LaTeX could be the word processor for you! • In an almost empty theatre, the oldies are all going to their allocated seats in the back rows. Perhaps the projector’s in focus from back there. • P.T. Barnum had signs in his museum saying “This Way to the Egress!” Those looking for it ended up outside, and had to pay admission again. • Ironic trucker caps are beating woolly beanies in the the First-Year Headgear Playoff at UC today. • I’m not sure why Roman Catholics have outcompeted Italic Catholics; they’re neither emphatic nor bold. • A tuatara doesn’t realise it’s supposedly got a third eye. It just wonders why people keep staring at the top of its head. • First they came for Dr Seuss, but I was not a huge fan, so said nothing. Then they came for the Smurfs, but the theme tune was annoying so I did not speak up. When they come for the Wombles, will anybody still care? • While I wouldn’t wish a terrible sex scandal on anyone, Jamie Oliver would be much improved by a few years in the wilderness. • Thomas Jefferson was fluent in 6 languages; Martin Van Buren was the only president with English as a second language. Madison was the only president fluent in Hebrew, Hoover the only one who could speak Mandarin. • Newly-freed slaves wore a conical hat, or pileus, as, apparently, do graduating PhDs at the University of Sussex. Must be a tough programme. • No matter how tempting, throwing “just one” chip to the gulls is always, always a mistake. • “The policeman’s job should be hard. He’s there to protect the free citizen, not to chase criminals, that’s an incidental part of his job. The free citizen is always more of a nuisance to the policeman that the criminal. He knows what to do about the criminal.” —Orson Welles • @adzebill

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