Random Tangents

A grad-school commonplace book, 1999–2007.

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Rediscovered surrealism from my childhood by Phil Foglio.

Names for @
Escargot French
Snabel A Danish/Swedish:
“A with a trunk”
Apestaart Dutch: “Ape’s tail”
Strudel Hebrew
Sobaka Russian: “Dog”
Miukumauku Finnish: “The miaow sign”
Heliko Esperanto!

“Hitler is doing much for Germany: his unification of the Germans, his destruction of communism, his training of the young, his creation of a Spartan State animated by patriotism, his curbing of parliamentary government (so unsuited to the German character), his protection of the right of private property are all good; and, after all, what the Germans do in their own territory is their own business, except for one thing—the persecution and practical expulsion of the Jews.”

— James W. Gerard,
from a review of Mein Kampf,
originally published in the New York Times Book Review

The London Review of Books has the best personals.

There’s a mental condition called Fregoli Syndrome, where you see everyone around you as the same person. Like the Oompa-Loompas in Tim Burton’s remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Homicide Rates
(per 100,000 per annum)
New Zealand 2
USA (whole) 5
New York 7
Los Angeles 13.5
Durham 20
(more than Mexico City
or Moscow)
Philadephia 22
Detroit 41

Counting to 10 in Polari

Una, Duey, Trey, Quater, Chinker,
Sey, Setter, Otto, Nobber, Dacha

The evolution of the glyph WTF, in an alternate universe, by folks on typophile.com (their login names shown).

“Planning to write is not writing. Outlining, researching, talking to people about what you're doing, none of that is writing. Writing is writing.… Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

— E. L. Doctorow

You can make a parabolic reflector out of a soda can that will start a fire. Toothpaste or chocolate make good abrasive polishes, though it takes half an hour. Very McGyver.

During World War II the whole of France, with its population of some forty million, was controlled by just fifteen hundred Nazis and six thousand German policemen.

(an interesting fact from Tony Judt’s Postwar: a history of Europe since 1945.)

Zippy makes it to Ohakune.

From the New York Times, August 31, 2005. Regular Gallup polls for the last twenty years show consistently similar results.

Note the white bar should be after the 18%, not before—“intelligent design” creationists accept that some evolution took place, but insist God was required for the tricky bits. Thus only a quarter of Americans accept what we teach in Intro Bio, also known (to the rest of the developed world) as “what actually happened.”

64% of Americans (including the President) were happy with teaching creationism alongside evolution in science classrooms. 38% would prefer no nasty evolution, just creationism thank you. It’s all a bit unbelievable.

Oh, and you can legally marry a 12-year-old in Kansas (and, curiously, Massachusetts). Five girls under 15 were married in Kansas in 2003, three in 2002, and six in 2001.

Portuguese–English Dictionary
for Room 246 BioSci, 2000–2005
Bom dia Good morning
Obrigado Thanks (if you're a guy)
Feliz Páscoa Happy Easter
Santinha Gesundheit
Porcaria Darn it
Rabujices Grumbling and grousing
Bruta Clumsy oaf
Filho da puta Son of a whore
Inferno sangrento Bloody hell
Graças a Deus é sexta-feira TGIF
Nova Zelândia New Zealand
Compromisso Appointment
Fundamental Fundamental
Pinguim Penguin
Pingu A particular cartoon penguin
Chupeta Pacifier
Zona Shingles
Xarope de cenoura Carrot syrup
Gargalo Bottleneck
Manobra de Heimlich Heimlich maneuver
Eu não gosta de queijo I don’t like cheese
Aliás, odeio queijo In fact, I hate cheese

Random Tangents is not a blog; it even predates the word. Blogs, generally speaking, are where people relate the epic saga Just Replaced My Broken Furnace (I Have No Life But An Enormous Ego remix).

Notable exception: the 0.1% which are actually worth reading, like Tracey’s, because they contain phrases like:

“Shame on you, you minxy Christians; Jesus weeps at you and all your wobbly outdoor rutting. ”

Confused about American politics? Here’s a handy equivalence chart.

Some friends have complained that this diagram downplays the numbers of US progressives, forced by the two-party system to vote Democrat (I suppose all the US fascists are likewise forced to vote Republican). So just how liberal are Americans? Here are some poll results, mostly from Robert Reich's book Reason, where he claims they're actually pretty gosh-darned liberal:

44% of Americans think homosexuality should be illegal.

30% think the US has no moral responsibility to help poorer nations.

53% feel religious groups have too little influence in Washington.

29% think producing more energy is more important than protecting the environment.

And 8% believe, despite the USA’s dismal international ranking, there should be LESS education spending.

How to be Mistaken for a Frenchman in Paris in August by American Tourists (who asked Not Once but On Three Separate Occasions where the Nearest Subway Station Was).

Don’t wear shorts.

(That’s about it, really.)

Tip: It helps if you carry a baguette.

Useful Hungarian

Igen = Yes
Nem = No
Kérem = Please
Közönöm = Thank you
Magyarosag = Hungary
Külon-külon fizetünk = We’re paying separately
Tanácsköztársaság = 1919 Republic of Councils

Useful Inuktitut

Puijilittatuq = He does not know
which way to turn
because of the many seals
he has seen come to the ice surface

It is a little-known fact that the leaders of the USSR and its successors perfectly alternate bald and hairy. Observe.

Want to see a frog levitate? Oh yes you do. The strawberry is my favorite. But physicists don’t seem to know a grasshopper from a cricket. They should get out more.

Date: November 3rd, 2004
Googled: "If Bush wins, I'm..."
Preferred destinations:
Canada: 16
New Zealand: 3
Mexico: 2
Australia: 2
UK: 2
Germany: 2

(Switzerland, Brazil, Cuba, and North Korea were also-rans, the latter perhaps tongue-in-cheek. Canadians are perhaps ready for the onslaught, but I've told many Americans that New Zealand has closed its borders. I think some of them believed me.)

Ever wondered whose that baritone voice is you hear during movie trailers? “In a world of fear...a young boy discovers...his greatest gift...is himself.” His name is Don LaFontaine, and he’s done more than 4000 trailers over 40 years. In the industry he’s called “the Voice of God”. (Bonus fact: in the article, a professional trailer-maker points out what we all know: “Ninety percent of all movies stink.” A specific case of Sturgeon’s Law, which is that ninety percent of everything stinks.)

How Graduate School Caused 9/11

The 1979 Soviet invasion that got bin Laden started was prompted by the takeover of the Afghan government by a dangerous megalomaniac named Hafizullah Amin. Amin had little time for the Soviets, but they would never have invaded and sent KGB agents to assassinate him if he’d formed a strong alliance with the USA. The US chargé d’affaires, J. Bruce Amstutz, did meet with Amin several times and tried to convince him to forge ties, but found him uncompromisingly hostile. According to Steve Coll’s Ghost Wars (Penguin 2004), this was because Amin “had twice failed his doctoral examination at Columbia, and … this left him angry and resentful toward Americans.”

I bet his committee members are kicking themselves.

“I haven’t seen [a kiwi] yet, though signs
about the preservation of their habitat are everywhere, as are their images on logos, restaurant signage, and on the national currency, which is, with its clear acetate windows and bright colors, easily the most beautiful money in the world.”

— David Eggars, Sacrament (You Shall Know Our Velocity)

(Actually, there are no kiwis on New Zealand banknotes.)

“I was recently asked what it takes to become a writer. Three things, I answered: first, one must cultivate incompetence at almost every other form of profitable work. This must be accompanied, second, by a haughty contempt for all the forms of work that one has established one cannot do. To these two must be joined, third, the nuttiness to believe that other people can be made to care about your opinions and views and be charmed by the way you state them. Incompetence, contempt, lunacy—once you have these in place, you are set to go.”

— Joseph Epstein, Commentary, April 2004

Are you a boy or a girl? Academics, traditionally preoccupied with gender issues and their writing, are very overexcited by a new study that computer-analyzed a huge body of published text and found key words that together could predict the sex of the author pretty well. You can test it yourself: paste 500 words of your own writing into the Gender Genie, and see how well it does. (It says this page is male.)

“To be honest, I have never really understood the concept of national pride. After all, no one has ever achieved their nationality. The geographical landmass on which we happen to have been born is simply a product of chance. So why should we make our nationality synonymous with our identity?”

— Nitin Sawhney

“Madison has become the second most popular name for baby girls in America....Today, Skylar is the 144th most popular female name, waaaay more common than, say, Susan (475th), Barbara (560th) or Katharine (821st). Also more popular than Katharine are Shyanne (586th) and Destinee (495th) and my favorite, coming in at number 618, Nyah. (There is no indication of how many people chose this as both first and middle name.)...Among boys, Alexzander, spelled that way, is more popular than Fred. Among the 1,000 most popular girls’ names in America today are Essence, Precious, Journey, Heaven, Unique, Cadence and Lexus.”

— Gene Weingarten, Washington Post, September 21, 2003

The USA is the most heavily-armed society in the world—it possesses one third of the world's guns. There is almost one gun for every inhabitant. Gun sales outlets outnumber McDonalds. Whites are more likely to own guns than minorities, and the probability of owning a gun increases with level of education.

— December 2002 Atlantic Monthly

“Despite the current braying of Europeans and Arabs, Americans are quite averse to war. We have a history of doing what we can to avoid it. It took three years for the United States to enter World War I. It took a surprise attack to get us into World War II. As for the Cold War, we refused even to face its reality until it had been going on for two years. And after getting burned in Korea and Vietnam, America reverted to form. If Saddam had not invaded Kuwait in 1990 and if we had not been dragged kicking and screaming into Kosovo, we would now be celebrating the Thirty Years’ Peace.”

— Charles Krauthammer, nationally-syndicated columnist.
Sept. 8, 2002

“Since the Second World War, the US has bombed China, Korea, Guatemala, Indonesia, Cuba, Guatemala (again), Peru, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia, Guatemala (third time lucky), Grenada, Lebanon, Libya, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Iran, Panama, Iraq, Kuwait, Somalia, Bosnia, Afghanistan and Yugoslavia—in that order—and in not a single case did the bombing produce a democratic government as a direct result.”

— Terry Jones, The Guardian,
March 23, 2003

Found Poetry in a Library Catalog

Of the 0 records matching your search "",
0 (0%) have been examined.
0 (0%) of these match your limit(s).
0 (0%) of these do not match your limit(s).
0 remain to be examined.

The final result will contain an estimated 0 records.

“So I was just like totally, like y’know, ‘Oh my...’
but she was just y’know like ‘Whatever, dude.’”

— Overheard on an East Campus bus

“Perforation! Shout it out! The deliberate punctured weakening of paper and cardboard so that it will tear along an intended path, leaving a row of fine-haired white pills or tuftlets on each new edge! It is a staggering conception, showing an age-transforming feel for the unique properties of pulped wood fiber. Yet do we have national holidays to celebrate its development?”

— Nicholson Baker, The Mezzanine

How To Prepare A Kiwi

“Sheila taught me a survival technique for getting through seemingly intolerable situations—boring lunches, stern lectures on attitude or time management, those necessary breakup conversations, and the like: maintaining eye contact, keep your face inscrutable and masklike, with the faintest hint of a Giaconda smile. Keep this up as long as you possibly can, and just as you feel you are about to crack and take a letter opener and plunge it into someone’s neck, fold your hands in your lap, one nestled inside the other, like those of a supplicant in a priory. Now, with the index finger of your inner hand, write on the palm of the other, very discreetly and undetectably, “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you...” over and over again as you pretend to listen. You will find this brings a spontaneous look of interest and pleased engagement to your countenance. Continue and repeat as necessary.”

— David Rackoff, Fraud

How Chickens Became Flightless

One day, when all the birds had gathered to make their final arrangements before beginning a pilgrimage to Mecca, they passed a resolution: “If God wills, we will start tomorrow.” But the chickens cried out, “Even in God does not will it, we will start tomorrow.” When the time came to start, they were punished for these irreverent words—they could not fly. The other birds cursed them and cried, “The traitors shall stay at home!” Ever since then, chickens have been confined to the poultry yard.

Moroccan folktale,
related by Dr Françoise Legey
in The Folklore of Morocco

Things You Can No Longer Carry Onto
An Aeroplane in the USA
(in increasing order of insanity)

Swiss Army Knife
Keyring-sized Swiss Army Knife
Cigar cutter
Scissors
Toenail clippers
Sewing kit
Nail file
Disposable razor

(What are we going to do?
Threaten to dry-shave the pilot?)

Yes, folks, it’s Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership. They used to have an “Ask the Rabbi” column, where Rabbi Mermelstein would advise you on the stopping power of a .380, and whether the Torah says it’s OK to pack heat on the Sabbath. But after Rabbi Mermelstein was voted Fourth Funniest Person on the Internet in 2001, they grumpily took it down.


International Customs
(from an appointment diary, of all places)
Argentina Don’t use toothpick in public.
Australia Warm handshake and “Good Day.’
Austria Do not cut soft foods with knife.
Belgium Shake hands with everyone, repeating your name each time. Posture important.
Brazil Give gifts of candy or wine or a small figurine.
China Don’t touch people. No jokes about China.
Egypt Egyptians love riddles and jokes.
Finland Wave to acquaintances seen from afar.
France Improper to help oneself twice to cheese.
Germany Do not move chairs closer together.
India Don’t wet stamps with tongue.
Japan Waving hand back and forth in front of face signals ignorance of subject.
Malaysia Fatalistic. If asked upon meeting, “Where are you going?”, respond “Nowhere of importance.”
Mexico Beckon a person with “psst-psst.”
Netherlands Do not touch index finger to forehead.
Philippines Don’t be too aggressive.
Poland No roses.
Sweden Do not praise one area of Sweden while visiting another.
Switzerland Don’t ask for salt and pepper.
Thailand Don’t compliment objects excessively.

“In a badly-designed book, the letters mill and stand like starving horses in a field. In a book designed by rote, they sit like stale bread and mutton on the page. In a well-made book, where designer, compositor and printer have all done their jobs, no matter how many thousands of lines and pages, the letters are alive. They dance in their seats. Sometimes they rise and dance
in the margins and aisles.”

— Robert Bringhurst, in The Elements of Typographic Style
(Hartley & Marks, 2nd ed, 1997).