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If Cameron Crowe ever directed a concert film starring Sheryl Crow, Counting Crows, and the Black Crowes, it would be murder. • A lesser man would doubt his self-image when his entire extended family decided he would make a perfect Santa. • “Tweet about doorknobs,” said the amateur Social Media Douchebag overheard in cafe. “Also, have an angry profile picture.” • This soap dispenser sprays pink snot onto my palm with a sneezing noise. I bet the designer thinks it’s just SO witty. • Lonely Planet: “Christchurch is one of NZ’s most exciting cities.” Presume the word “five” was left out for space reasons. • If guilty feet really have got no rhythm, mass prison “Thriller” dances would identify the wrongly-convicted. • In Blue Valentine, Ryan Gosling woos with beard and ukulele, divorces with hipster moustache and melodica. SYMBOLISM. This edgy Gosling film thus heralds the coming melodica craze; will be seen as a pivotal moment by future melodica historians. • Airports, airports / I love airports / They’re my favourite place in the world [100% original lyric never before uttered by human tongue] • From its Wikipedia summary, the plot of Happy Feet 2 is nearly as complex as Hamlet, and longer than both Othello and Macbeth. • Not wanting to rain on the Chch love parade, but one of our remaining tourist attractions is an old fridge full of used books. • “What’s the holdup?” Botanist: “Please, sir, I have to write all my descriptions in Latin!” (Looks enviously at the entomologist, who is nearly done.) • Journal publishers are just the caricatured pig-in-a-top-hat-and-spats hate figures of the academy, aren’t they? “Nobody understands how HARD it is to sell people’s research back to them!” you can almost hear them wail, from inside their money bins. • @adzebill

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