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As a kid I thought the aristocracy were battle rankings: a Duke beats an Earl, unless the Earl’s on his home ground or has special powers. If a Viscount beats enough Knights he levels up, and evolves into a Count. Like Pokémon. • Tangerines, tangelos, mandarins, tambourines, clementines, satsumas. One of these isn’t even fruit. What a mess. • NZ Home magazine seems convinced all new houses should be grey shoeboxes with sliding glass walls. Like Baby’s First SketchUp. • Can a novelist still write about jigsaws, or are jigsaws now symbolic, incurring an automatic Metaphor Penalty? • There are 10 types of people in the world: those who have heard that binary joke 1 to 9 times and… scratch that, 9 types of people. • Poor Taylor Kitsch: going from lead in John Carter to lead in Battleship is like getting an awful haircut which then catches on fire. • Labelling something a First World Problem, then feeling guilty and taking it back. #firstworldproblems • A “soul patch” is just a toothbrush moustache grown on the other lip. Nobody would have one if they were called “underhitlers”. • NZ syndrome (n): “Gold! Woo! We rule! Give ’em a taste of Kiwi! And now adjust all the rankings for population because we’re so little.” • I think of the Olympics as a video game: events are levels, the medals achievements, there’s no boss fight, and somebody else is playing. • “Synergy” is when a combination of items is much greater or more terrible than the sum of its parts, as in the phrase “classic Dutch rock”. • @adzebill

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